HMOH - Appalachian Trail

imported
#1

Disclaimer - This post just an attempt to violate every common sense hiker rule-

I have finally decided to do GA-ME this year after working out some of the details in my mind. I’ve itemized my plans below.

  1. I’m taking my cell phone and my two dogs
  2. To save weight I’m not going to carry shelter or extra food.
  3. I will be carrying my S&W 44 handgun to fend off bears.
  4. I intend to hand out bibles and spread the work while I’m out there.
  5. Visit my web site and donate money so I can support my favorite charity www.giveme$.com
  6. I will rely on the kindness of others for just about everything (yes this includes water filtes).
  7. I want to do at least one hiking day totally drunk. Basically get drunk in town and just keep sipping all day.
  8. I also figure this will be a great time to pick up women. I’m pretty irresistable and this may be their only chance.

If anyone has any other ideas, please share.

Granny

Granny

#2

I wouldn’t bother packing out your trash - you’d just be carrying dead weight.

bullet

#3

Don’t wait for “naked hiking day” to go natural.

Rosealia

#4

Take radio w/o ear phones so you can share the music with your shelter mates.Arrive at the shelter after dark while others are sleeping,make lots of noise while your cooking.
Let the dogs sleep in the shelter,if they are wet ,it’s even better. :smiley:

old&in the way

#5

i’m not so sure a .44 is enough. a 12 gauge might be a little better.

sho’gun

#6

stay self absorbed, do not bother to wonder or delve into what makes the charachter and the charachters of the trail. go ahead and ignore the magic of it in favor of your own complaining about, well, anything and everything. you will then be funny, and thats all that matters. the trail is tough, so dont feel bad if and when you quit. you can still say “yea, i hiked the appalachian trail.” then you can write a book about it and make a whole boatload of money.

milo

#7

Your thunb should be an excellent addition to your thru-hike. Only the smartest of hikers realizes that they can just hitch rides around tough sections, or even whole states.

Also, please remember, no one else out there will know nearly as much about hiking as you obviously do. Don’t wait for them to ask, reach out and tell others what they are doing wrong. They’ll thank you for it.

RenMan

#8

Carry and use the old style highway flares to cook your food.

Pound for pound, when you graph the weight versus heat versus time versus gerbils, highway flares are actually lighter and more efficient than esbit tabs. On a distance hike, they beat all other fuels, including gasoline.

Once you’re done cooking, you can use the remaining burn time to illuminate dramatic and humorous operatic scenes or force your fellow hikers to do mime in the strange red light. Inhale the fumes for a bonus toxic effect.

Tyger

#9

Preserve memories of your hike - if you read any particularly interesting shelter registers, tear out those pages and take them with you! Priceless.

No need to carry a camera. Copy pictures from journals on this site and tell everybody “Here’s my hike!” The journalists won’t mind a bit - we all hikers, right?

pigpen

#10

In the campsite area, dig a 6 inch deep drainage ditch around your tent; you wouldn’t want the floor to get wet.

Leave TP flowers all along the trailside. No need to bury them, they’re biodegradable you know.

Have Bubba, Jimmy, and Vern follow you along in a van loaded with 12-packs so you can all celebrate until 3 am at the end of each day in those picnic shelters along the trail.

After your hike, start a website discussion board and remove anybody that does not mimic your thought process exactly. :lol

RockyTrail

#11

Camp ONLY at the shelters closest to roadways, taking care to sleep only on your stomach, with your boombox playing a constant loop of ‘Dueling Bajos.’

Nomad

#12

Be sure to pee in every stream after washing your feet in only area where hikers can filter water…

Eric

#13

Wait a minute…did you say you’re doing your GA-ME hike?? THAT’S no way to hike the trail!! Man, the only real way to hike the AT is to do each state in the order that they entered the union!

 Pennsylvania and New Jersey first, then skip down to Georgia and then back up to Conneticut and Massachusetts, down to Maryland, back up to New Hampshire (but don't bother with the Prezzies or even Franconia Ridge), down to Virginia (where driving Skyline Drive actually counts as trail miles), up to New York, North Carolina, Vermont (which is actually an entirely optional state), Tennessee (and yes you must hike sections on the North Carolina border all over again.  Otherwise you haven't REALLY thru-hiked), Maine (with the option of not hiking the Mahoosucs, Bigalows, Hundred Miles, or even Katahdin...it's overrated anyway), and finally hiking the 3 miles of our 35th state...flopping to be sure that you end at the ATC, while still hitting every inch of trail in the Wild, Wonderful state of West Virginia, where you can march in and LOUDLY declare that you are the One True Thru-Hiker.  
 In fact, that should be your trail name.  The One True Thru-hiker

LekiLess

#14

And when you’re in the shelter, let em rip as loud as you can and laugh like a maniac each and every time you do so (a fun trick is to do this right after you’ve Gold Bonded your chaffies so a big cloud of white powder comes bursting out of your pants - let people enjoy the visual aspects of your great gas achievements too!)

And while you’re getting drunk, smoke in the shelter too, and if anyone gives you grief tell em to go to some liberty-hating state like california where they belong. and leave your butts wherever you want, cuz ma nature’ll eat em up eventually, right?

and if you’re tenting, leave your foodbags in the shelter! that way the bears’ll get those fools and you’ll be safe and sound.

whoa!

#15

Don’t forget to smoke your dope (and cigarettes) in full shelters; surely everyone would prefer your second-hand smoke to fresh air.

Ozone

#16

be sure to belittle everyone that you meet and be critical of their gear. After brief introductions always say, “You’ll never make it”.

And always revert back to one of your first hiking trips. When someone mentions a steep climb coming up, say something like, “Well back when I did the Florida trail…or my first hike ever on the Blue Bird pond loop…” because everyone cares.

and then either:
take everyone’s gear down off the pegs and nails in the shelter to hang your own or

pound all the nails into the shelter walls or

cut all the rodent ropes hanging from the ceiling and tell everyone you are collecting them

and then in the morning when everyone is packing up, go over to their stuff and take something and demand that it is yours.

Officer Taco

#17

I think the 12 guage would be better. Make sure to take some buckshot along. There are plenty of deer, wild boar, and turkey along the trail. Hey, why not eat for free?

Drop names here and there like: “Bushwhack said”, “Bluebearee said”, etc. This will make everyone realize that you are the true expert out there and know practially everyone.

Yogi everything from everybody. You’ll save tons of money that way. People love to give anyway, just let them do what they all love doing----they will bless and thank you for it.

See you out there.:cheers :cheers :cheers

Maintain

#18

Finally, a thread that EVERYONE can agree on.

RenMan

#19

who says you have to stay on the trail- make sure you short cut all the switchbacks! pave your own way! if it’s just you, no harm done, right?

greenie

#20
  1. When in town make sure you are loud and objectionable, every one loves a hiker. 2) Don’t bother cleaning up before you go to town, after all what’s a little body odour between friends? 3) Make sure you steal TP from motels and hostels. 4) Don’t forget to lift all of those little packs of jelly and ketchup from the resturant table too, they probably throw out any you leave behind. 5)Don’t bother putting a donation in the honour box at the hostel, hey they’re getting rich by ripping off hikers anyway. 6) Don’t do any chores at the hostel either, the female hikers can do all of those.

Downunda