Post Trail Depression

imported
#1

I NOBOed in 2003 and found that when I started I was a bit depressed, just left a 3yr relationship, job, etc… but that my depression eased as I hiked, and by the end of the trail I had never felt better or been happier.

It has been almost 5 years since I GAMEd and I think about it always. But in the years since I’ve run into some rough patches; death in the family, breakups, Hurricane Katrina, etc… Nothing any other Thru-hikers haven’t experienced for sure, but still, I often wonder if the AT is some sort of cure-all, something that lets a person like me get out there, sort through my thoughts and feelings, and come away a better person, emotionally as well as physically.

Has anyone else felt like this? Currently I just feel beaten up by an all too difficult life. It didn’t happen right away, I mean post-AT from fall of 2003 - summer of 2005 I felt great, had the regular ups and downs, but no feelings like what I feel now.
Gets me wondering if it is both the physical and mental aspect of a hike that made me so happy. As I promised myself I’d keep happy, keep the weight off and live life in a more un-complicated manner, those actions have eroded over time. Now all I feel is a sort of sad nostalgia for a time when all seemed so care-free, so fun, so full of amazing people and with so much promise.

Anyway, if anyone else is feeling or has felt like this post-AT, you’re not alone.

Thanks,

Snack Attack GA —> ME 2003

Snack Attack

#2

there is a whole world of hikes out there,the people you meet on a week hike or a season hike are the same. Plan,Repack and get out there!!

Mr Magoo

#3

Hey Snack Attack,

I know what your talking about… I had a very difficult “reentry” after my first thru-hike in '96. I was fortunate enough to have the time and resources to just keep hiking like a few others. After a bunch of thru-hikes, i finally came to the conclusion that it was time for me to move on from the thru-hiking addiction - at least temporarily :slight_smile: - for a number of reasons.

I sincerely hope that you can find what your looking for. Maybe you’ll have another opportunity to thru-hike and sort things out again.

It seems to me that the happiest people on this Earth are the one’s who find an occupation that they love so much that they literally lose themselves, so to speak, in their work. Often the work they do involves helping others in some respect.

One of my favorite books is entitled “Peace Pilgrim.” Its a biography of Mildred Norman (who called herself Peace Pilgrim) who was the first female A.T. thru-hiker (1952). Her book is full of very practical advice on gaining inner peace. She clearly found her niche in this messed up world and worked for the rest of her human life to help others. I would highly recommend the book. It’s free - just go to peacepilgrim.com and give them your address and they will send you the book for free.

Happy Trails!

freebird

#4

Snack Attack - I nobo’d in 2002 and have since tackled a few other moderatley long trails (CT, BMT, and LT among others). Before, during, and after each trip I felt exactly what you are explaining. I think the nature of long-distance hiking makes it easier to live each day in the present moment, much more so than when you’re mindlessly punching the clock from 9 to 5. And it’s living in the present moment that creates the fulfillment and life satisfaction that most hikers experience, not the actual trail itself. The “trick” is to taste the fulfillment of presence during your trips into the woods and then take a little bit of it with you home. Once back in the “real world”, tap back into the Now as much as possible and you can experience the same peace and satisfaction standing in a grocery store line as you felt atop Mt. Katahdin. True happiness is born from inside you and so travels with you each step of every day. Namaste.

Matt

#5

Thanks guys,

Yeah, I did another hike from Springer to Erwin in the summer of 2005 and I felt great before and after. And I must say hiking the AT, and being an outdoor enthusiast anyway, has really helped in terms of I KNOW I can weather just about anything (remember all the rain in 2003) and I do put a great value on trying to keep things simple. Maybe it had something to do with my mantra out there of “everything will work out” because it almost always did in one way or another, and I’ve lost that mantra back here in the real world with bills and debt and jobs and friends that come and go, unlike the AT where I really felt many of the people I met there would have my back 100%. I do need to get away, thanks!

Snack Attack GA —> ME 2003:boy

Snack Attack

#6

i remember reading an article in Psychology Today about the after-effects of some large-scale-happy event such as marriage or achieving a goal. Certainly a thru-hike fell into that category. What the article said is that the high of the accomplishment lasted the subjects for a few months, but in short time, everyone returned to the state they were in before.

so i’d say that the Trail really isn’t a cure-all for anything, that it doesn’t become a permanent personality change.

0101

#7

Also don’t underestimate the effect regular exercise has one the mental state. The hard part is keeping it up!

I believe this has a lot to do with feeling so happy on and after a long hike…

Gravity

gravity

#8

Hi SnackAttackI NOBOed in 03 and I think I remember you. I know what you mean about depression after the Trail. I kept having flash backs and found it hard to relate to people who are not hikers and are more into THINGS. I retired in the spring of 03 so when I got back home many things were different. One solution was to hike again. I did some winter hiking in 04, then the Vermont Long Trail. in the fall of 04 I walked the Coast to Coast trail across northern England and still could not settle back into “domestic” life. In 05 I walked the Camino de Santiago and that helped a lot - in a way it was more a pilgrimage than a hike. I have just accepted that the only folks I really like being around are long distance hikers. Hang in there and keep walking. Its better than drugs or alcohol! Finch
GAME’03

Finch

#9

“The secret to life is the enjoyment of the passage of time” -James Taylor.

It sounds like you really enjoyed yourself out there and maybe you found the secret. Keep hiking and staying active. Don’t forget to step out of your comfort zone from time to time, it will build appreciation and bring peace into your life. -Spigot PCT’07 CDT’10

Spigot

#10

Hi Snack Attack,
I’ve been reading lots of journals of folks hiking the AT now and who have been section hiking. I feel drawn to the AT in some way. In 06-07 I lost 185 lbs and last summer my “trail” was a walk from my home to the beach (over 200 miles) in 4 weeks. Also did a waterfall hike in the Smokies near the AT. Hardest hike in my life. I say all this to say that after the accomplishments of last year I have suffered from depression and panic attacks, as I don’t have an answer to the “what’s next?” or “now what?” I’ve read lots of good advise in the journals, but I don’t have an answer either. Finding your passion, having the hope(s) of events and relationships in the future…maybe these are some of the things that help. There are those of us who struggle with the “now what?” after a big accomplishment. I appreciate you sharing your struggle, and I hope more folks will share how they are dealing with life after the AT, or any other big accomplishment that literally changes their life, and their life perspectives. I wish for you all the best. Know you have a partner in your journey… Dave

David Cook

#11

Hi Snack Attack. I think you are really lucky. You know what you like and you know what to do to feel good. Hiking! Most people know they are depressed but have no idea what to do about it.They get lost in a heep of mediocrity and can’t find any way out. Thats not you.
Sure we cant be out there hiking all the time. But for me, just knowing and planning for a hike (or other adventure, like living over seas or challanging myself somehow) is enough to keep me happy and excited during all the “real life” time in between. So cheers! Heres to knowing what makes you happy and your next big challange :cheers

Brian

#12

Hi Snack Attack. I think you are really lucky. You know what you like and you know what to do to feel good. Hiking! Most people know they are depressed but have no idea what to do about it.They get lost in a heep of mediocrity and can’t find any way out. Thats not you.
Sure we cant be out there hiking all the time. But for me, just knowing and planning for a hike (or other adventure, like living over seas or challanging myself somehow) is enough to keep me happy and excited during all the “real life” time in between. So cheers! Heres to knowing what makes you happy and your next big challange :cheers

Brian

#13

“…walking is not simply therapeutic for oneself but is a poetic activity that can cure the world of its ills. - Bruce Chatwin”

She-ra

#14

For some reason, I do things in a big way when I do them and this post-event depression is something that I have learned to cope with and overcome through experience.
For example: My first running race was a marathon. My first backpacking trip was a thru-hike GAME. My first boyfriend (at age 24) became my husband. I lost about 50 lbs in 3 months once too. I also have kept having to leave teaching job after teaching job due to schools closing and contracts expiring so the same sense of emptiness is always there for that too.
After you do something that is of the caliber of a thru-hike, it can seem impossible to reach the high that you felt on trail in everyday life. I suppose that my habit of goal-setting has helped me a lot with this because, really, hiking the trail is just a bunch of little goals combined into one huge goal.
If you say that you want to have XYZ accomplished by the end of June and get it done, then start over and set some new goals. Make them more long-term as you go. For me, at least, this has helped in my recovery.
For quite a while after the AT I was very lost and wondering what the heck I jumped back into with this real-world stuff. I will admit that I pray for the day that I am asked to hike trails for money… as I have never felt more at home than when I am in the woods and living out of my backpack.

windex

#15

I found your topic quite interesting as well as the many replies. Something I’ve noticed is the fact that we as humans are all searching for something. In every life there is a void that we all fill with something, be it work, family, shopping, sports, hobbies, and for some drugs and alcohol…etc…but the only one true thing we need is to find God, our creator. Outside of Him we do not truly find what we are looking for. We cannot look inside ourselves for answers that will keep us content in the long run. You can spend your whole life trying to find that something, but all it leads to are dead ends. (ever noticed you’re chasing your tail?) Common things like depression, panic attacks, death of a loved one, loss of a job, and restlessness, eventually have us asking ourselves “Isn’t there more to life than this?” or “What next?” and we all run to the next thing we find to keep us “busy” I’ve been in the same boat as you, many years ago, and once I found the One True God, my questions have been answered. If you fill your life with love for God, and truly seek Him out, everything else will fall into place. The Bible says: Ask and the door shall be opened to you (you have to want to know the truth) seek and you shall find (it requires work on our part) knock and the door will be opened to you (again, this requires work on our part, God does not throw Himself at us, it must be our choice, He wants us to want Him)
I will be praying for your heart to be softened to hear God calling, so you can find what everyone else is looking for and just doesn’t know it yet.
When I’m out hiking I am amazed at the beautiful handiwork of God’s creations. From the simple things in front of me on the trail, to waterfalls & rainbows, to the magestic views of the mountains in the distance. I truly stand in awe of my creator, and in that alone, I am complete and content.:happy

Jill Emery

#16

Snack Attack

You said, “Has anyone else felt like this? Currently I just feel beaten up by an all too difficult life. It didn’t happen right away, I mean post-AT from fall of 2003 - summer of 2005 I felt great, had the regular ups and downs, but no feelings like what I feel now.”

Yes, I can understanding feeling like this. Really I do. And though Jill’s reply is most probably meant to be helpful, it does little to help those of us who DO believe, who ARE people of faith (I’ve been an ordained minister for over 25 years), and still struggle with situations of depression or panic - and sometimes simply don’t understand why. Sometimes answers are simple. Sometimes - perhaps most times - answers may be complex.

I know that after my walk last year things changed. I changed. “Things” that were important before are not now. I’ve read that in other people’s journals as well. My way of thinking changed, or rather it seems the functioning of my brain and nerves have changed. I don’t fully understand what has happened. I still find myself waking up at 4.30 in the morning (as that was the time we got up to get ready for the day’s walk). The adrenaline is there, pumping away in heart and arms and legs, but now it causes panic instead of energy to go for a walk. There’s no walk to do, no simple walk in the woods or down the road - soooooo, what to do? THAT is part of the panic! Crazy sounding I know. And believe me, it feels that way, too!

It is a complex situation to understand at the moment. Thinking about the AT, reading journals - even being given a set of maps and a trail book by some friends last night (quite unexpectedly and “out of the blue”) for some possible walks in the woods this summer helps me turn my “energy” toward a positive outlet.

Hang in there, plan another hike, reach out with your heart to those around you, dream, pray, seek counseling - do whatever it takes to get through this time. Tomorrow does come, new hopes and dreams can be fulfilled. The Bible also says ‘people without a vision perish,’ so - find the vision you wish for (I’ve been talking to myself all through here, too), heed the call that is calling to you … and go for it!

As I said before, know you have a partner in your journey.
And know (I think Jill would agree) . . . we also have a Greater Partner in our journey as well.

All the best,

Dave

David Cook

#17

Jill -

You said, “We cannot look inside ourselves for answers that will keep us content in the long run.” I can see what you mean - as opposed to looking outside ourselves to GOD. But this can be a bit confusing in regards to what is said in the Bible:

¶And when he was demanded of the Pharisees, when the kingdom of God should come, he answered them and said, The kingdom of God cometh not with observation: Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.

My limited understanding of this concept is that all of us in our true identity or selfhood are connected to God - without God we wouldn’t exist. When we are on these long hikes, many of us are out there to “find ourself” as the saying goes - that is our true God-centered self as opposed to the self-centered mortal selfhood.

Happy Trails!

freebird

#18

Thanks guys, again, its nothing major, but it feels really tough to get back to that “mountain top”. We’ve all been there, even as little kids, I can remember going to summer camp and thinking THIS, THIS right here is the best it will ever get.

I got the 9-5 job, the house in New Orleans I’m re-building, two awesome dogs, and I ride my bike to work everyday, 7-miles round trip. Maybe it is people I seek.

On the trail each person helps the other, mostly, and we all sort of learn to be independent. Out here in the wilderness of city-life I feel almost more lost. My life, compared to others in bigger commuter smog-choked cities, is great. And I am outdoors a great deal with soccer, biking, and running. I guess I wonder if the AT was the peak. I want it to be one of many many peaks.

Thanks all for the kind words!

-Snack Attack
GAME 2003

Snack Attack

#19

Aside from the high of accomplishment, my enjoyment of the trail had a lot to do with the simplicity of it. I carried almost everything I needed on my back.

In the real world folks seem to want to complicate things. They want to buy new things, own houses, and basically live beyond their means. That adds a lot of stress. It doesn’t help that we also tend to zone out watching TV where the message is to buy more or to live a more glamorous lifestyle or to eat more.

Aside from that, I think feeling a part of the trail community really made me feel good. I went from not wanting to ask for help to graciously and gratefully accepting help and realizing that folks offering to help are often reaching out to become part of the trail community.

When I feel down, I tend to focus on simplifying my life, reaching out to expand my relationships and involvement in the community and turning off the TV.

Stryker

#20

I finished my hike in August of 2003, moved to New Orleans and six months later bought a house. Figured it was an adventure, and it has been, but also an anchor. I straddle both worlds it seems. I do plan on how I would do another Thru-hike.

Again, just a few days and a few words from me on this Forum and I have had more help with people I don’t know, but know in this weird way, and it really shows the closeness of the AT, of hiking, that I terribly miss. Thanks.

Snack Attack
GAME2003:boy

Snack Attack